I'm a terrible mother

There. I said it. I admitted how I feel. Which is awful. As I write this, my sweet little almost-2-year-old is screaming bloody murder from her room in a futile attempt to NOT nap.This happens on the daily around here, so its not the screaming that's making me feel terrible about me as a Mommy.

Its that I had to lock her in her room.

Full on.

Lock-the-door style.

Where you need the little Allen-wrench-looking "key" to open the door again.

I know. Like I said, I'm a terrible mother.

I had no choice, though. Daycie refuses to stay in her room and she has mastered the door-knob-cover lock. If she and I were to go head to head in a "Get the door knob cover off the fastest" race, she'd win. Hands down.

Sleep in general has always been a four-letter word in this house. If we so much as mutter the word "nap," both girls fly into a tantrum with kicking, screaming, throw-downs, the whole bit. And they don't ever do that.

I'll start at the beginning. When Hensley was born and we brought her home from the hospital, we realized verrrrry quickly that sleep was an issue. She ended up sleeping in her swing for the first 3 months of her life. We spent our entire savings on C batteries. (Might be exaggerating, but we surely could have bought something hella nice with all that money.)

Once we got her sleeping in the crib (which was a Herculean effort) it was this huuuuuuuge production of music, room-darkening shades, the Paci, the bottle...ugh. I'm getting tired just remembering how exhausted I was. Physically and Emotionally. Listening to your teensy baby scream from her room has got to be one of the most heart-wrenching things EVER.

But, once Hensley reached 18 months or so, she was a dream to put down. She would crawl into her little Toddler Bed and read her books, play her video game, or talk to herself until she fell asleep. It was also at 18 months that she told us she wanted to "give her music to Baby Day-Day" because she didn't need it anymore. Total warm fuzzies.

 Daycie, on the other hand, has always been my amazing sleeper. Never an issue with the crib, naps, etc. The kid was like this natural phenomenon...she could (and would) sleep anywhere. We used to joke that we could string her up by her toes and she'd sleep right through.

And now here we are at almost two years old and I absolutely loathe naptime and bedtime. Like, so much that I have almost had an anxiety attack thinking about it coming. (Good gravy...that's awful to admit.)

Remember how I said that as I write this, Daycie's in her room screaming? Its been twenty minutes now and she's still screaming. And the door's still locked. (I am SUCH a terrible mother.)

Its like nothing works. I rock her (always have) before naptimes and bedtime but as soon as I go to put her in her bed, she starts asking me to "sit." She wants me to sit in her damn room while she sleeps. Ummm...no. But, I tried that. I tried waiting till she fell asleep. No luck. The child with sonic hearing immediately wakes up the second I try and leave. If I'm lucky enough to get out the room, she always wakes up right after the door closes. Then the real issue sets in. She screams for a good 30-40 minutes and then falls asleep at the door. Not in her bed. She sleeps there for 30 minutes or so and then wakes up wicked pissed because she's uncomfortable. But instead of getting up and getting in her bed, she starts the scream machine again. Only this time, the batteries are recharged enough to NOT go back to sleep.

I tried letting her watch a movie till she fell asleep. I did this both at naptime and bedtime. Naptime she never fell asleep and bedtime she never fell asleep. Bedtime-try led to her awake and screaming at her door at 11:07pm. W.T.F.

I have tried telling her I'm going to get her something...milk, juice, a book, the Holy Grail...she says "ok" and stays in bed until 3.678 seconds after I leave, then starts the screaming again.

I have been racking my brain about this. Here's some internal dialogue..."What is causing this? I'm going to figure out the root cause and eliminate it....hmmm....maybe she just isn't tired? Nope, tried that. Remember the 11:07pm night? Oh yeah. Ok, well maybe she's overtired? That could be the case...but there is nothing I can do about the naptime...she can't go down any earlier because she goes down as soon as we get home from school. Bedtime? I can't even focus on that right now because I'm so exhausted."

Now, let's move on to Bedtime. Once I get the in her bed, asleep, and out of the room, we're good until about 1am. Then she's up, out of her room, and to my bedside. She wants to sleep with me, but not snuggled with me. She wants to annoy the shit out of Sean and I. She pulls his hair, kicks him, pokes me in the eye, pinches my boobs...whatever gets a rise out of us. Twenty minutes later, we're so irritated that we're ready to put her outside. (We would never.) This normally results (lately anyway) in me and her sleeping on the air mattress in the frog. And I hate it. I miss my bed, I resent my child for taking me away from my bed, and I'm freaking exhausted all the damn time. Oh yeah, and I do things like lock my child in her room out of desperation.

I know she's ok in there. But my worry-wort comes out and scolds me saying things like, "What if there's a fire?" or "What if she chokes on something?" Is there going to be a fire? No. Is there anything she could choke on? No. But still.

I hate bedtime. I hate naptime. I wish they would both just go away. Can anyone help me get this kid to just go the hell to sleep? Ever heard of the book "Go the f___ to sleep?" If you haven't, watch this. Its Samuel L. Jackson reading the book...





This is my life. Please help me. Please share your mommy wisdom with me and tell me the magic words to get my child to stop this craziness. Why does she think sleep is the freaking antichrist? Its not. Its awesome. Despite my best attempts, she doesn't grasp this concept.

I would love your advice. As long as you're not bitchy about it. Save your speeches about how I'm a terrible mother. Even though I said that, YOU can't. I'm sure there are some of you reading this that are nearly gasping for breath because of my horrible parenting and letting my kid CIO (that's Cry It Out.) I don't endorse CIO (by any means) but at what point do you decide that your kid is old enough to know that her actions are redonkulous, its time to go to sleep, and she's just picking a fight? I've decided that Daycie is old enough to know all of that. And if she's not, then I'm not as AP-oriented as I once thought. (that's Attachment Parenting)

I just need this kid to sleep. I'm pretty wounded from all these evening battles over bedtime....but damn it I have I win this war. Cos I'm pretty sure if I lose, it means these kids will never sleep ever again. And I will promptly lose my mind.

And for the record, after another 17 minutes, she's still screaming.

I am a terrible mother.